I refuse

I refused to be defined by things I do not control.
I grew up with a violently alcoholic parent, but I do not think of myself as an adult child of alcoholics.
I was sexually assaulted, but I do not think of myself as a rape victim.
I lost my uterus due to fibroid tumors, but I refuse to think of myself as less of a woman because I can not bear children.
I have been diagnosed with leukemia, but I do not want to define myself by this disease.

I do want to define myself as:
An Alaskan, because I love it here and I chose this place to live.
An Artist, because I use my creativity to make wonderful things.
Intelligent, because I choose to keep my mind active and engaged in learning new things
Loving, because I willingly give my heart to those I choose to love.
Strong, because I do not give up on achieving things that are important to me.
Gentle, because I seek opportunities to understand the fragile and delicate things.
Generous, because when I can I go the extra mile to help someone out.

So as I go through this latest challenge I know I will have emotional ups and downs and there will be difficult days ahead. But I will try to maintain an attitude and definition of myself that  I am not a victim.

The Coming Storm

There is a storm coming, but I do not know what form it will take.
A flood, a drought, a fire, a tidal wave, an earthquake?
Maybe all of them at once. My world has been on a slow tilt for a few months. Losing my job, and learning the ins and outs of the unemployment system. Crossing my fingers and hoping that my car can last till I get a few paychecks socked away. Tightening our belts and tying another knot in the end of our rope.
But then my world got flipped upside down suddenly and without warning.  My regular blood tests are just routine, really just routine, but not this time.
Now a couple of weeks later I coming to grips with the diagnosis of Leukemia.
For the first time since that word was uttered by my doctor I have been able to focus on my art again.
It felt great to be able to sit still long enough to pick up a brush.
But this is still the lull before the storm.
I do not start treatment till August. I have no idea what this will be like. I just know my world will not be quite as stable or as quiet as it was.
I can only hope I will be able to find the centering that is my art and the focus and energy I want to do what gives me joy.

blue and yellow

As I thumbed through a magazine the other day I spotted the classic Mediterranean blue and yellow on a dresser. Normally this color combination is not very exciting to me but this time it caught my attention.
And then today I ran across some fabric with the same colors and again I found myself drawn to it. So I will go forward with this cloth as my inspiration for now.
Sometimes I just gotta go with the flow.

Finding a niche

Right now I have an Etsy store, stuff on consignment in a funky gift shop, and works in a local gallery. The objective is two fold; to get my name out there as an Alaskan artist (no I am not native) and to make some money from what I do. To date only the stuff in the funky gift shops and the occasional bazaar ever sell.
It is a frustrating situation as I want to create. I must create, it is part of who I am, but what do I do with it all. My friends and family have all the jewelry from me they want or need and the apinted skulls are too much work to just give away. (though the first one I ever painted was a gift to a very special and dear friend)
Creating things right now is a large part of keeping me sane.
I am out of work and I can only spend so much time job hunting before I have exhausted the options for the day.  Spending some of my time making jewelry feeds the part of me that wants to feel valuable and needed. Of course this would work better if I had a few more sales to reaffirm that.

But recently another situation has come up. It seems after some blood tests that I may have some form of cancer. However nothing is confirmed and I am waiting for the oncologist to talk to me and give me more information. After that I do not know what to expect in the way of treatment. It may put a hold on the job hunting if I am in a debilitated state.  Crafting and painting and spending time with my art may give me something to do and if I can start generating sales help me feel more valuable to myself and my family.

Changing colors

As you can tell from my Blog back ground I am attracted to blues and purples of all shades, but just lately I find myself more grabbed by yellow.
Not dull butterscotch orangish yellows or pale buttercreme yellows, but rather those bright vibrant wake your eyeballs up yellows. The kind that are not quite safety/highlighter yellow but rather those super saturated lemon and marigold yellows.
I find this odd. I had a favorite dress when I was about 5-6 that was yellow. and a few year later I had some bright yellow patent leather shoes. But at some point somebody told me yellow was not my color at all. I should never wear it as it made me look vaguely ill. greenish and such.
So Maybe this just means I come to a place in my life where I no longer care what something makes me look like when I wear it. It just has to be comfortable and make me happy.

Why do we create?

I think I create because I can not not create. I do not create for the pleasure of others, though I do get pleasure when others appreciate what I create. I do not create for money, but I do sell many of my creations. I am not an ephemeral artist, that my art and crafts have an endurance beyond a few moments or even years is important to me.
Today for the first time I entered my art in a gallery show. It is not a juried show, but it is an honest to goodness gallery. I find myself with mixed feelings about it. Like I have abandoned my children. Like I am feeling a little egotistic as why my work is worthy. Like I am proud of my work because the reception I got from those setting up the show was very positive.
Still the motivation is internal.
I want to create because creating is part of who I am and what I do.
That other people enjoy it as well is just a bonus.

Selling Innovation

Sometimes I get ideas that are rather outside the mainstream. Either its something no one locally has done or something no one has done and either case leads to a dilemma. How do you sell something that is different? Most people want something they are familiar with. They can look at and know what it does and where it fits into their lives. But something new has to be explained.
Over and over and over again. Each time selling it with as much or more enthusiasm than the last 49,000 times.

One of the problems is that if I fail to make a sale I feel like I am not communicating as clearly or as detailed as I should. But others I know take a different approach. Give it a catchy name and hot slogan and eye catching packaging.

But I want people to buy my things because they do understand the thing they are buying. It just takes more time and energy and enthusiasm to make that happen. It also makes it difficult for my partner to make a sale when I have to take a quick break.